You were the love for certain of my life you were simply my beloved wife. I don't know for certain how I'll live my life now alone without my beloved wife my beloved wife. I can't believe I've lost the very best of me
you were the love for certain of my life you were simply my beloved wife. I don't know for certain how I'll live my life now alone without my beloved wife my beloved wife I can't believe I've lost the very best of me
you were the love for certain of my life for 50 years simply my beloved wife.with another love I'll never lye again it's you I can't deny it's you I can't defy a depth so deep into mygrief without my beloved soul I renounce my life as my right now alone without my beloved wife my beloved wife my beloved wife
my love is gone she suffered long in hours of pain my love is gone and now my suffering begins my love is gone would it be wrong if I should surrender all the joy in my life go with her tonight my love is gone she suffered long in hours of pain my love is gone would it be wrong if I should just turn my face away from the light -go with her tonight.
From the moment i heard this song i've had a vivid picture in my head as morbid as it may be of my father sitting at my mom's funeral with this song in the background.
A little odd seeing as my father is 68 yrs old, 11 1/2 years older than my mother. So why would it be that the picture i see is of him at my mom's funeral. I've always felt my father to be immortal. The strongest, biggest man that ever lived. Superman has nothing on him.
It just may be the the love he feels for my mother is his kriptonite. He'll never admit it but he needs her. Whether it be to argue with, to feed him, to take care of him. Whatever it may be, he needs her. He walks around like a zombie when she's not around. A lost little puppy in the woods. He's at her beck and call when she can't get out of bed. It hasn't always been that way..my mom has always fended for herself when it came to matters of her illnesses. But lately everything seems odd to me.
She recently went in to have a procedure that ended with her staying in bed all day. My father didn't even go outside, didn't even eat until I brought him something..He was so worried cuz its just not like my mother to sleep in all day. She never shows her pain, never complains..so now that she can't take it anymore he's worried out of his mind and he doesn't know what to do but sit and wait and see what happens.
"Doctors make you sick" he says. "It's all a conspiracy to take your money" "They can't do anything for you." He went and had some tests done to find out why his esophagus burns and they told him that he was going to need an operation that took at least 8 hours. he was out of his mind with worry. I made him promise that he would go get a second opinion. I made him say the words i promise you i'll go. And he did. And they told him they didn't think he needed the operation. Since then it seems he's all better.It's a conspiracy to take your money!
My Father doesn't express himself in any other way but anger. It seems to run in our family. When were mad we're angry, when we're worried we're angry. When we hurt we're angry when were sad we're the angriest. So it just about killed me the day that he opened up to me and made me see him as a real, hurting, love-craved human. My stomach knotted as he spoke and the tears welled in his eyes. Tears! My father cries?!
The only other time I remember seeing him cry was when i told him when i was about 16 that yes! yes! i was exactly like those kids that do drugs and wanted to kill themselves that he's always talking about. It just about floored him. He left the room sat at the kitchen table and let the tears flow.I'm so glad those days are over. Now if only these would hurry up and go by.
So yes my father cries and as he spoke to me, with tears collecting in his eyes, and asked me "WHY? Why do my daughters hate me?" my heart broke into a million pieces.
What was i supposed to say? I went with "they don't hate you! Why would you say that?" He said he doesn't know how to talk to us. He said that no matter what comes out of his mouth it was the wrong thing. That the moment his mouth opened they would leave in a huff or cry and he was sick of being the one that always made them cry...even when he was trying to be nice.
He went on to say that he just felt like a unwanted nobody in his own home ... not even a guest cuz guests usually go noticed and here .... to his family ...he's just a ghost.
All he wanted was acknowledgement, all he wanted was love and to feel needed.
He said that sometimes he wishes that he would have never brought his family to the US, because instead of finding his dream and providing everything he could for us to be comfortable all it caused was grief and the tearing apart of our family.
I wanted to throw my dad the line that he was so in need of but it wasn't in my hands...there was nothing i could do but sit there and listen to what he had to say and what he was feeling....at that moment I felt like more of his savior...an open ear where he could deposit every thought that had been welling up in him for all these years...than like his second youngest daughter....
I told him that maybe he needed to learn how to talk about other things besides the expected. That I would NEVER expect him to stop talking about his faith, in fact, it would sadden me if he ever did because then i would know he had hit bottom, as their faith is everything to him and my mother, but that maybe he needed to learn how to talk to them about something else too. About their interest and to listen to them and not just tell them how things should be.
It melted my heart on Saturday to see that after about 2 years of having this conversation with him i saw the efforts he is making towards change, when all he talked about with my sister and her boyfriend was music. I had to smile.
I think of the emotions that I had when my dad got burned and i thought for sure we had lost him and i see where we are now and it kills me.
How we would do ANYTHING to see him again..to HUG him again... to TELL him we love him...to never take him for granted again....what we would do to hear him yell at us and talk to us about ANYTHING as long as he would just PLEASE make it through.....
It was the beginning of alot of my anxiety. I realized that we could lose him...that we could lose my mom...that we could lose any one of us...and never have the opportunity to make things right...to fix what was broken...and i vowed that i would never be the one with the what if i had's when they were gone.
My father is an awesome man. He makes me proud to be his daughter. The thought of him fills me up with pride as i think of all he's done for us. As i think of how he gave up the opportunity to go on disability for the rest of his life because he wanted to be the one to provide for his family. How he wanted to get up from his bed in the intensive care burn unit where he stayed for three months wrapped like a mummy only to go and hug and comfort me when he saw the look of fear on my face when i saw him. When i cried and told my mom that she was lying to me about how he wasn't going to die. As i think of how the nurses had to restrain him cuz all he wanted to do was make sure I was alright...and how dissappointed i was in myself for agitating him and making him feel worse than he already did because i couldn't put up a strong front when i saw him...
I love my father and he adores us. He instills fear in some...but only because they don't give them the chance to prove to them that he's a tame little sheep in a wolfs disguise. They don't take the time to get to know the real person that exists in him. The interesting, loving, understanding. caring, helping person that i would admit has to be looked for...but once you know him its worth it and behind his sad eyes and frown..there exists a happy, loving king of a man....
My mother taught me and my little sister to stand up to him, with respect, but to stand up to him. To let him know when he is wrong. To not expect him to admit it but to learn to see the signs that he knew he was. That there is no reason to fear him...that it's all a show. I can say that its been a battle but i can also say that its been worth it just to get to know him. and i can say that i'm glad i did....because i refuse to be the one with the i should haves....
0 comments:
Post a Comment