I sometimes feel like....

I disappoint the one person i would never in my life would ever want to disappoint.

The way he looks at me sometimes with those eyes.....as if to say...."You can do sooooo much better with your life......I know what you are capable of.....I only want the best for you....please be different from the rest......I love you all unconditionally but it saddens me that you are going about life the way you are...."


He walks into my room while i sit in front of my computer...he stands there quiet for a minute....then hugs me and tells me he loves me....I look at him....laugh...and say....."I know"........its what he says to me when i tell him the same.....he then walks out of my room.


I sit for a while thinking about what just happened.....


what just happened??? why did he do that??? what is he trying to tell me??? Does he know something that i dont??? why does it seem like he is saying goodbye?????


The last thing i would ever want is for him to leave and not be proud of me....

how could i live knowing i didnt do everything in my power to make him proud of me??? or with the guilt of knowing we left off on bad terms....knowing i could have done something about it...



Im stuck.....and dont know what to do right now because im asking myself the first thing i always ask before doing anything every day every night every second.....what would he think about it??? what will the consequences of my actions be???? if he were to find out, would he be ok with the decision i have made??? or will he be disappointed???


i dont want to disappoint you.